the way i confront it

Unexpected emails are sometimes exciting but also disturbing at times. Today I received an email from my international economics professor and it gave me a pang of regret and relief at the same time. To be more exact about the chronology of my emotions, I felt relieved first and then regretted for what I did on the exam day.

I don't really want to elaborate on how my terrible moments were. But I want myself to remember this terrible moment of mixed feelings between regret and relief, and not repeat the same mistake. That's all.

Inconsistency

I sometimes find out how much people are exposed to inconsistencies of people's behaviors. People say one thing but think or act differently behind. This is not only common among strangers but also quite often among family members, which I think is more stirring and uncomfortable to face.

I am not that bad at doing this. Although I suck at pretending to be in a good mood when I'm not or deceiving others with great acting, I am quite capable of withstanding uncomfortable circumstances as if they never disturbed me. When there are things all around to distress me, I usually try to numb all my cognitive senses to an extent that I feel no pains. I will get through this inconsistency smoothly after all. Or I will just escape from it very soon and think nothing of it.

Inconsistency - one person says one thing and the other person says another thing when each of them is supposed to be saying the same thing. That inconsistency is driving me nuts at the moment. I must have grown up enough to know how to deal with such an inconsistency by myself and form my actions discretely. But at the same time, I think having to face this inconsistency itself is quite distressful. It's not inevitable and could be resolved without breaking out like this. But people there do not seem to have the determination to resolve it or terminate the inconsistency. I do not also have the guts to ask them in person.

But the answer for now will be to do what I can do and do my best to improve the situation if I ever can - like a diplomat.

Easy to get confused in Linear Algebra

"In the parallel world between any vector space V and R^n, parallellize the basis in V to the standard basis in R^n..."

"parallellize" not equal to "paralyze"

risk diversification

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Same for every risk you might face in your life.

week 9

A week of intensive wandering and unhappiness is over.

My friends helped me and the Lord was there for me, whom I believe was the one who sent those messages to me. The source of my unhappiness was an endless stream of obsessed thinking on my weaknesses, which I didn't want to confront. Now I will confront them and stay strong.

"After rain hardens the ground."

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.'"

-from the Talmud

reminder

I think I really do love macro.